We have three joint children, we lived in a civil marriage for 13 years. Now is such a difficult period, I don’t know what to do. I just want to take children and run away from my husband. The eldest son is 12 years old, he sorry for me and my father. Daughter 9 years old, the other day she said: “I hate dad”. Even when he hears children’s songs about dad, he runs to switch. Although she got the most love of her father’s love. The third 1 year, and, thank God, she does not understand anything.
The first time we ran into this disaster almost three years ago. And I talked to him, and relatives. We cursed, I even called the district. Nothing helped. There was only one way out for me: to pick up my son’s documents from school, throw a house bought for maternity capital, and leave. We moved to Omsk. Two months later, my husband arrived and wanted to meet with children. Promised to quit consuming, asked for help, support. We came together again and began to live in a rented apartment.
It was different. Sometimes he was near, sometimes broke and found new “friends”. I had to drive him out. In two months he managed to overcome the dependence. He got a good job. We had a daughter. Naturally, like everyone else, we cursed. They even cooled a little to each other, and I noticed: a little that, he leaves the house. I realized that the case is in drugs again.
I don’t want to go through this hell again with the children. And I will no longer extend the help of help, and I will not let him in either children or to myself. Now nothing but hatred, I do not feel to him. But once I loved. All my relatives treated him well, but now they are worried about me and children. Offer to move closer to them. But I don’t want to run again: I’m tired of it all.
When he comes and stands for hours behind the door, I do not see another choice – I want to run away so that he would not find us. He loves children, I have no doubt. He does not forget them, provides financial assistance. But his condition is terrible, and not only externally. He then reproaches me in all sins and says that I am to blame for everything, then crying, sometimes aggressive. Tell me how to survive this with children, what first I need to do?
Tonya, it is very difficult to be in a situation of relations with an addicted person. And you are right – if you do not resolve the situation now, then it will happen again, and then again. You have the right course of thoughts: you refuse to run away. Your civil spouse will come and will stand under the door again – this feature, by the way, is characteristic of people dependent on substances.
Therefore, at the moment it is important to understand what exactly inside you made you return the last time. Perhaps you are a co -dependent person with the position of the “rescuer”. You do not write about it directly, but from your words you can hear how all you solve all the problems of the family. It feels like you are not just used to rely on someone, but also do not allow yourself to count on the help and participation of another because of anxiety. Therefore, they found themselves in a relationship with someone who cannot provide you with a sense of reliability.
Try to figure out this alarm. This is a fear that you will let you down? Leave? And where does your anxiety grow from? Apparently, in childhood, you are faced with some kind of chaotic, unreliable attitude of adults to yourself, which has formed a powerful orientation exclusively on yourself. And stretching the problems of others, as well as relations with a dependent personality, is a way not to face anxiety.
I think your spouse at an unconscious level gives you constantly hope for changes, which is also characteristic of dependent people. In his personality there is an injured, painful part of the psyche, which needs drug reassurance. It is this wounded side that asks for help and provokes the spouse to behave childishly, begging for forgiveness and promising to establish everything. This trap for over and over the partners of dependent personalities to feel guilty and return. Because it seems: getting away from such a person is like throwing a child.
Please note that your man changes lifestyle only on the verge of gap. It turns out that he needs an extreme, adrenaline situation. In a calm state, he does not feel comfortable, he needs a threat, drive. And without real efforts and his own desire, unfortunately, he will not be able to rebuild.
The most important victims in this situation, of course, are children. Two seniors have already injured, which will very negatively affect their future life. Therefore, the emotional state of children in solving the issue is more important than personal
life, should be in the first place. When you understand the main “clue” in relations with a civil spouse, you can stop reacting to his attempts to return you.
