Category: ! Without a column

Speaking about smartphones and computers, we are categorical: it is certainly useful and necessary, but evil. Family psychologist Katerina Demina has a different opinion: gadgets have more pluses than minuses, and even more so they cannot cause conflicts in the family.

PSYCHOLOGIES: Home Evening – Mom corresponds to the messenger, dad plays at the computer, the child looks at YouTube. Tell me, it’s okay?

Katerina Demina: This is fine. This is a way to relax. And if, in addition to hovering in gadgets, family members take time to chat with each other, then generally good. I remember the whole family – three children and three adults – went to rest at sea. In order to save money, they rented a small apartment in a tiny village. In the evenings we went to the same coastal cafe and, waiting for the order, sat, buried each in their phone. We probably looked like a bad scattered family. But in fact, we spent the nose for three weeks, and the Internet was caught only in this cafe. Gadgets – the opportunity to be alone with their thoughts.

In addition, in your history, we are most likely about a teenager. Because the preschooler will not let you sit in a chat or online game. He will take your soul out of you: for him the time spent with dad and mom is very valuable. And for a teenager leisure with parents is the most low in life. For him, communication with peers is much more important.

And if we talk about a couple? Husband and wife come home from work and, instead of rushing in embrace to each other, get into the devices.

At the initial stage of relations, when everything burns and melts, nothing can distract you from a loved one. But over time, the distance between partners increases because we cannot burn all the time. And gadgets are a modern way to build this very distance in pairs. Previously, a garage, fishing, drinking, TV, friends-girlfriends, “I went to a neighbor, and you stir the

porridge” were served for the same purpose.

We cannot constantly be with someone in a merger. Tired – took the phone, looked on Facebook (an extremist organization banned in Russia) or Instagram (extremist organization banned in Russia). At the same time, we can lie nearby in bed and read each of our tape, showing each other some funny things, discussing read. And this is our form of proximity. But we can be together all the time and at the same time hate each other.

But do not phones and computers cause conflicts when a close one “runs away” in them, but we cannot reach him?

Gadgets cannot be the cause of conflicts, just like an ax cannot be accused of murder, and a pen should be appointed responsible for the writer’s talent. Smartphones and tablets – a device for exchangeing. Including metaphorical – varying degrees of proximity or aggressiveness. Perhaps relations have long been cracking at the seams, so the husband, having come home from work, gets into the computer. He could find a mistress, start drinking, but chose computer games. And the wife is trying to reach..

It happens that a person has no close relationship, only gadgets, because it is easier with them. Is it dangerous?

Are we confusing the cause and consequence? People who are not able to build relationships were always. Previously, they chose loneliness or relationship for money, today they find refuge in the virtual world. I remember we discussed with a 15-year-old teenager what the perfect relationship with a girl he sees for himself. And he pathetically said: “I want, when I need it, she was at the elbow. And when not needed, I did not shine “. But this is the relationship of the baby with the mother! I tried to explain to him for a long time that it was infantile. Now the young man has grown up and builds an adult relationship ..

The flight to the virtual world is often characteristic of those who have not matured and are not able to take out another person next to them. But gadgets only illustrate this, and do not cause the reason. But the teenager has gadget dependence – a really dangerous state. If he does not want to study, he has no friends, he does not walk, plays all the time, beat the alarm and immediately seek help. This may be a symptom of depression!

What is common between exhausting perfectionism, underestimated self -esteem and difficult fate? Quite often, this is the inability and unwillingness to notice their shadow sides, including their valuable properties. How to find them? And is it possible to agree with them?

“In order to work with your shadow, you need to understand that this is not a monster,” says KOUCH Alexander Savkin. – This is a kind of warehouse where things are marked as “terrible” and “unacceptable”. And we spend a colossal amount of energy on holding under the castle of

the whole “bad”.

But it is in this warehouse that gold is located, since our talents, uniqueness, beauty, “realness” are hidden in our shadows. The task of working with a shadow is to get and integrate this gold in order to reveal your unique potential, solve complex problems and change life ”.

How to integrate shadow parts and release this energy? Alexander Savkin uses the methods of gestalt therapy, Jungian psychoanalysis, psychodrama and psychosynthesis. The case from his practice helps to see how it works.

Difficult task

Once a man came to my coach session, who was offered a new position at work. The problem is that the person who occupied it earlier left behind the unclosed issues and unresolved tasks, and in the projects there were many ambiguous moments that are vulnerable from a legal point of view.

Alexey (so let’s call the client), he understood: if he agrees to this position, then all the problems will hang on it. And was very scared. He realized that it was more correct to refuse, but for this he could be fired.

Since it was always difficult for anyone to refuse Alexei, he rehearsed all evening in front of the mirror, as he would say “no”. The next morning, the director called him to the office and asked: “You agree to this position?”At that moment, the client wanted to refuse, but inside something ordered to agree, which he did.

What made my client say yes “yes”? His shadow, which for many years has a little poisoned his life, and now manifested in all its glory. So that the client can get acquainted with his shadow and reduce its influence, we used a methodology on the coach session that has repeatedly helped in such cases.

Step 1. Describe the situation and use a bodily metaphor

The situation itself does not give answers. Therefore, having described it, we turned to the client’s body questions. After all, it is connected with the unconscious: it does not lend itself to the tricks of the mind and never lies. I asked Alexei: “If the cause of the shadow was in your body, then with which part it would be associated?”To which he replied:” Somewhere in the area of the solar plexus “.

When I asked him to imagine the image of this shadow part, the client called the Korshun: “A very predatory and evil kite, in whose eyes hatred is read”. So he created a visible image of his sensation, and we moved to the next step.

There is an incredibly many developmental classes for preschoolers today, but it is not so simple to put the children who have already mastered the smartphone: they lack perseverance. Microsing will help to cope with this problem. Neuropsychologist Polina Kharina talks about the new trend.

Children under 4 years old still cannot keep attention for a long time on one. Especially when it comes to a learning task, and not about a fun game. And even more it is difficult to educate perseverance today, when children literally from the first year of life use gadgets. Microsing helps to cope with this problem.

This way to master the new is one of the trends of modern education. Its essence is that children and adults receive knowledge in small portions. Promotion to the goal of short steps – from simple to complex – allows you to avoid overload and solve complex problems in parts. Micro -study is built on three basic principles:

• short but regular classes;
• daily repetition of the material passed;
• The gradual complication of the material.

Classes with preschool children should not last longer than 20 minutes, and micro -learning is just designed for short lessons. And parents are not difficult for parents to devote 15-20 minutes a day to children.

How micro -training works

In practice, the process looks like this: for example, you want to teach a one -year -old child to string beads on a lace. Divide the task into stages: first you string the bead and invite the child to remove it, then – suggest string it yourself, and finally learn to seize the bead and advance on the cord so that you can add one more. Of these short sequential lessons, micro -training consists.

We will figure out the example of a game of puzzles, where the goal is to teach a preschooler to use different strategies. When I propose to collect the puzzle for the first time, it is difficult for a child to connect all the details at once to get a picture, because he has no experience and knowledge. The result is a situation of failure, a decrease in motivation, and then the loss of interest in this game.

Therefore, first I collect the puzzle myself and divide the task into stages.

First stage. We consider the image and describe it and describe it, pay attention to 2-3 specific details. Then we find them among others and put them in the right place in the panel picture. If it is difficult for a child, I propose to pay attention to the shape of the part (it is large or small).

Second phase. When the child copes with the first task, in the next lesson I choose the same from all the details as the last time, and turn them over. Then I ask the child to put each part in the desired place in the picture. If it is difficult for him, I pay attention to the shape of the part and ask if he holds it correctly or needs to turn it over.

The third stage. Gradually increase the number of details. Next, you can teach the child to collect puzzles on your own, without a picture-subscription. First, we teach to fold the frame, then the middle. Or first collect a specific image in the puzzle, and then connect CQNT together, focusing on the scheme.

Thus, the child, mastering each stage, learns to use different tricks and his skill is already passing into the ability, which is fixed for a long time. This format can be used in all games. Studying in small steps, the child will master the entire skill entirely.

What are the pluses of micro -teaching?

1. The child does not have time to get bored. In the format of short lessons, children learn more easily and those skills that they do not want to learn. For example, if a

   Humide – cela signifie satisfait. Si vous avez lancé votre main, et qu’il craque, comme le linge de lit de la fraîcheur glaciale mythe. Félicitations, la fille n’est pas à l’état. Donc, vous vous êtes avéré quelque part sur la bonne voie, mon soldat courageux. Chercher. Interroger. Embrasser la clavicule. Mais n’essayez pas de capturer le sucre. Les lois du pharmacie en ligne cialis générique pour vous aider. Le soutien peut être divorcé un feu … dans la forêt. Tandis que le feu de l’âme est nécessaire une approche plus humide.

   child does not like to cut out and you suggest him to complete a short task every day, where you need to cut out only one element or make a couple of incisions, then he will learn this skill gradually, imperceptibly for himself.

2. Study “a little bit” helps the child get used to the fact that classes are part of life. If you are engaged every day at a certain time, the child perceives microurors as part of the usual schedule and gets used to studying from an early age.
3. This approach teaches concentration, because the child is completely focused on the process, he has no time to be distracted. But at the same time, he does not have time to get tired.
4. Micro -learning facilitates the consolidation of the passed. Our brain is arranged so that an hour after the classes end, we forget 60% of the information, after 10 hours 35% of the studied remains in the memory. According to the Abbinghaus forgetting curve, in just 1 month we forget 80% of the acquired material. If you systematically repeat the passed, then the material from short -term memory goes into long -term.
5. Micro -training implies systematicity: the learning process is not interrupted, the child gradually, day after day, moves to a certain large goal (for example, learns to cut or paint). Ideally, if classes go every day at the same time. This format is perfect for children with various developmental delays. The material is supplied with dosed, is worked out to automatism, and then complicated. This allows you to fix the material.

Where and how to study

Today, we have at our disposal many different online courses and mobile applications that are based on the principles of micro-learning, for example, popular applications for the study of English Duolingo or Skyeng. Lessons are presented in infographics, short videos, tests and cards.

Japanese Kumon notebooks are also based on the principles of micro -learning. The tasks in them are located from simple to complex: first, the child learns to make cuts along straight lines, then on broken, wavy lines and spirals, at the end he cuts out figures and paper objects. The construction of tasks thus helps the child always successfully cope with them, which motivates and develops confidence in his own abilities. In addition, the tasks are simple and understandable to young children, which means that the child can do it on his own.

We have three joint children, we lived in a civil marriage for 13 years. Now is such a difficult period, I don’t know what to do. I just want to take children and run away from my husband. The eldest son is 12 years old, he sorry for me and my father. Daughter 9 years old, the other day she said: “I hate dad”. Even when he hears children’s songs about dad, he runs to switch. Although she got the most love of her father’s love. The third 1 year, and, thank God, she does not understand anything.

The first time we ran into this disaster almost three years ago. And I talked to him, and relatives. We cursed, I even called the district. Nothing helped. There was only one way out for me: to pick up my son’s documents from school, throw a house bought for maternity capital, and leave. We moved to Omsk. Two months later, my husband arrived and wanted to meet with children. Promised to quit consuming, asked for help, support. We came together again and began to live in a rented apartment.

It was different. Sometimes he was near, sometimes broke and found new “friends”. I had to drive him out. In two months he managed to overcome the dependence. He got a good job. We had a daughter. Naturally, like everyone else, we cursed. They even cooled a little to each other, and I noticed: a little that, he leaves the house. I realized that the case is in drugs again.

I don’t want to go through this hell again with the children. And I will no longer extend the help of help, and I will not let him in either children or to myself. Now nothing but hatred, I do not feel to him. But once I loved. All my relatives treated him well, but now they are worried about me and children. Offer to move closer to them. But I don’t want to run again: I’m tired of it all.

When he comes and stands for hours behind the door, I do not see another choice – I want to run away so that he would not find us. He loves children, I have no doubt. He does not forget them, provides financial assistance. But his condition is terrible, and not only externally. He then reproaches me in all sins and says that I am to blame for everything, then crying, sometimes aggressive. Tell me how to survive this with children, what first I need to do?

Tonya, it is very difficult to be in a situation of relations with an addicted person. And you are right – if you do not resolve the situation now, then it will happen again, and then again. You have the right course of thoughts: you refuse to run away. Your civil spouse will come and will stand under the door again – this feature, by the way, is characteristic of people dependent on substances.

Therefore, at the moment it is important to understand what exactly inside you made you return the last time. Perhaps you are a co -dependent person with the position of the “rescuer”. You do not write about it directly, but from your words you can hear how all you solve all the problems of the family. It feels like you are not just used to rely on someone, but also do not allow yourself to count on the help and participation of another because of anxiety. Therefore, they found themselves in a relationship with someone who cannot provide you with a sense of reliability.

Try to figure out this alarm. This is a fear that you will let you down? Leave? And where does your anxiety grow from? Apparently, in childhood, you are faced with some kind of chaotic, unreliable attitude of adults to yourself, which has formed a powerful orientation exclusively on yourself. And stretching the problems of others, as well as relations with a dependent personality, is a way not to face anxiety.

I think your spouse at an unconscious level gives you constantly hope for changes, which is also characteristic of dependent people. In his personality there is an injured, painful part of the psyche, which needs drug reassurance. It is this wounded side that asks for help and provokes the spouse to behave childishly, begging for forgiveness and promising to establish everything. This trap for over and over the partners of dependent personalities to feel guilty and return. Because it seems: getting away from such a person is like throwing a child.

Please note that your man changes lifestyle only on the verge of gap. It turns out that he needs an extreme, adrenaline situation. In a calm state, he does not feel comfortable, he needs a threat, drive. And without real efforts and his own desire, unfortunately, he will not be able to rebuild.

The most important victims in this situation, of course, are children. Two seniors have already injured, which will very negatively affect their future life. Therefore, the emotional state of children in solving the issue is more important than personal

life, should be in the first place. When you understand the main “clue” in relations with a civil spouse, you can stop reacting to his attempts to return you.